I'm scared of having kids!

"I don’t know if I even wanna have kids at all due to my fears of what they may become susceptible too in this cold world." - Felicia L. Hart

Since I graduated with my master’s degree in early May Lately, I been having a lot of free time on my hands that’s been allowing me to think and reflect about everything as it relates to my career endeavors and my personal aspirations, and one topic has been coming to my mind as I reach the age of 25 next year which is, THE UNSPOKEN FEARS OF PARENTHOOD…

Earlier this week I was having an emotionally heart to heart conversation with my boyfriend of two in a half years about our future as it relates to the possibly of getting married one day & having children of our own. But, while we on the topic about possibly having kids it’s like an epiphany came over me about my fears of raising children. You see, I’ve always had fears around becoming a parent, recently it’s been about having an unplanned pregnancy happening anytime soon! Even though I love children especially little cute babies, If you’ve read any of my earlier blog posts I stated how much I am not ready to become a parent! But, now I don’t know if I even wanna have kids at all due to my fears of what they may become susceptible too in this cold world. From my experience of not just only being around my own parents, but from being around other parents I know every parents main priority should be if they love their kids is to make sure that their safety and well-being is intact. But we all know that, children will not always be in their parents care 24/7. Therefore, it just makes me wonder do I really want to live with the heartache of not knowing what possibly could happen to my own offspring? Especially, since my children will be African American they’ll already be stigmatized by society. What if my son or daughter becomes the next trayvon martin or breonna taylor even though I taught them to do the right thing but they come across a racist cop? What if my child is molested by someone I trust while they were in their care? What if society manipulates them into their crazy tactics that will mess up their lives from drugs/alcohol, sex, mental illnesses, etc?

My upbringing was very amazing since my parents did all they could to make sure I had everything I needed and more. Which I truly admire them for, but I feel like I was just one of the lucky ones. Being raised in a two parent household by highly educated and successful individuals in the suburbs of Baltimore county, Maryland which was a blessing for me. Even being raised in a two parent household and coming from a good family doesn’t mean that something bad isn’t capable of occurring. I’ve seen my parents bend over backwards to make sure that I was brought up in a safe and loving environment and received a good college education, which is amazing.. but I also witnessed how worried and uptight they were about my safety and well-being. I understand that as a parent you’ll always worry and wonder if you’re child is truly okay. But it’s like my parents protection turned into a form of paranoia which is something I don’t want myself or my future children to go through. How can you not worry about who and what your child is being exposed to and what dangerous instances can occur when they're not in your sight? I hate to admit it but this world is getting crazier and crazier! Every time I turn on the news I'll hear about children getting kidnapped, running away from home, being molested, or just being gunned down in the streets like a dog! I don’t want it to be a situation where I have a child and as they grow up I’m so worried about something bad happening to them and they witness it to the point it drive me and them crazy.

I know I could raise my children to be the best individuals in society in the right way. I definitely would wanna get married before I have children so that me and my future husband can set the foundation of raising our children in a stable family unit, and of course send them to good schools so they can get the best education, make sure we’re financially stable to put a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, food on the table, etc. BUT IT’S NOT THAT SIMPLE!! I blame society for making it seem like it is that simple to just have all of those basic things when it comes to raising a child. Children need two loving parents that instill morals, values, dignity, self-worth into their children and that’s something money cannot buy! Children need their parents to be present in all aspects of their lives rather their child is mad, sad, happy, anxious, or indifferent and that’s for a lifetime! No matter if their child is 4 or 44 years old! It would break my heart to hear my child tell me that they felt like I was never there to love or protect them since I was so caught up in working or putting my needs before their own which made them run to the streets to find the love and affection that they never received from me or their father. I just been in fear of thinking who do I really know who I’m marrying and choosing to build a family with? I don’t wanna run the risk of rushing into a marriage or parenthood and the person I chose to create this family with cheats on me or starts abusing me and my kids or just one day walks out on us. What if I leave my children in the care of someone or a corrupt school system that I thought I could trust and they molest them or even worse let a school shooter into the learning facility my children are in? And most importantly what if me or my husband dies or something bad happens to us and no one can care for our children that we left behind? I know most will say just your parents could care for them, but my parents may not be able to do it if they’re already gone or too old to do it. (My parents are closer to their 60s) I definitely would not want my children to end up in the child welfare system! Being a social worker I know the effects of what can happen to most children in foster families. Honestly, I just believe that no one can really love you like your biological mother and father can especially for my own children. The way the world is right now with all of this ongoing gun violence, racism, stereotyping, sexual assaults, substance abuse, the bad effects of technology/social media, domestic violence, sex trafficking, deadly viruses, etc. It makes me wonder should I just save the heartache of my children being brought into a world where everything is unpredictable?

I think this is the stuff a lot of people do not talk about when it comes down to becoming a parent, especially if they’re not ready. Even outside of figuring out how people can financially be able to raise a child, society never really talks about the emotional, mental, and spiritual effects of having a child. Those babies will not stay babies forever and I think a lot of people fail to see beyond that. That baby will grow into an infant, toddler, early childhood, teenager, young adult, middle aged adult, and become elderly. It just amazes me that we live in a world now where people will be too afraid to let their kids play outside on the front lawn because they’re in fear of what could happen to them or to hear people say “if you lived long enough to reach the age of 25 you’ve lived your life to the fullest.” This concept is very prominent in the black community! I don’t want my black son or daughter to grow up in this world where another black person hates them so much that they take their life from them after I’ve taught them to love ALL people. If you think parenting stops at the age of 18, I see where the lack of your parenting priorities is. Parenting is not always about having the money to care for your children, but society has made us to believe in that! Parenting is about instilling morals, values, integrity, self-love into our children. I know for a fact that I can instill all of those things and even more into my future kids, but I’m just in fear that society will ruin all of that. It’s not that I’m worried about my kids not getting everything they need from me as a parent, I’m just concerned about how the world will shape and mold my children to be growing up in this dark world. As much as parents want to have control over their children's lives the honest truth is, no matter how much you try to protect your children, ANYTHING can happen rather you like it or not, even if it's against your own child's will! Since abortion rights are being taken away to “preserve life” so they say, is America really trying to preserve one’s entire life or be in control of what happens to one’s life once they’re out of the womb. The truth is I’m scared of having kids since I’m in fear of wondering what this cruel world is capable of doing to them.